The library phantom

I just read this wonderful story about the "library phantom" when a friend linked to it on facebook, and I want to spread it too! Enjoy!

Not yet completely stressed out about Christmas

After a good Christmas (practice &) party yesterday, I've spent today being absolutely useless. Nope, no hangover, just unmotivated and dreamy. Got absolutely nothing done. On the other hand, I've really enjoyed having a weekend off work! I didn't even have to miss the exercise, as yesterday's christmas party came with no less than six hours of karate practice! The practice was both interesting and inspiring - I'll have new things to work on for ordinary practice, many new things. I have started to look at options for the travel back "home" for Christmas. The holidays are getting closer and I should have booked my tickets already, but I'm traditionally late with that every year. This time (again) I blame it on not yet knowing what to do with the cat. If I don't find someone to feed or house Mirjam (the cat) I'll have to shorten my visit again, like last year. I'd love to stay for a bit longer though, and I have considered travelling with her too (most trains do have pet compartments) but I think that could get a bit messy, especially now that there's no car. Tomorrow I'll give the real world a new try. I already have a list of Things To Do - the same thing this time every year, I guess. You try to get as many things as possible done before the holidays believing that if you do, you'll be able to relax and enjoy your time spent with family and old friends instead of rushing thru it "like last year". Only problem is: it never works! At least not for me. A day or two before Christmas I'll stay up later than late to desperately try and (for once) finish everything... and always failing at doing so. And a couple of days later I'll be back in Turku stressed and tired, quite possibly hung over and hardly having enjoyed more than the occational minute of it all. "Same procedure as every year".

Random ramblings

I'm so nervous for my presentation tomorrow... But luckily also tired from karate practice tonight. So I bet I'll get at least some sleep... This weekend we'll have this year's AKDS+PKDS (Pargas club) Christmas party to look forward to, and I am! The event, already a tradition, will include 6 hours of practice starting in the morning, followed by a dinner party in the evening. Today is our (Finlands) Independence Day. I haven't celebrated in any way, but used the day off to do laundry. Well needed laundry. I also made a walk to another part of town to find an open Siwa store (red day today), but that's ok. I like Port Arthur. Forgot what I was going to write now. Ok then, will try again later... ;)

short update

I've had a great weekend! Finally sent in my thesis on Friday - this by no means makes it finished, but I will present it on Wednesday next week and then do adjustments acording to the feedback I get - and boy. does it feel good! I wasn't prepared for this amount of relief! I've slept well, been in a good, relaxed mood and I've actually had more energy! I'm getting things done instead of daydreaming. I didn't even realise how stressed I was about it until now, when I feel the difference. This (coming) week looks exciting enough,too!

a bit more positive

Today, i will just link to another lovely post over at zenhabits - "the half step that will change your life" Once again, it was exactly what I needed to read! Have a great weekend!

Friday

The week is almost over and I am sooo sleepy. Haven't got even half done of what I had planned but well... that's life, I guess. My work has been taking up so much more of my time recently, but I guess it would also help if I could find motivation for other things than training/practice... At university, most days I just feel old. This might of course have something to do with the fact that people around me (other university students) are in their early twenties, or even younger. I miss having people my own age around! My only plans for the weekend is to work and study, but I might have to start it all by going out - and with that I litterally mean "going out" as in outside. For some reason we're having beautiful, warm, sunny summer weather today, in the end of September! Another plan for this weekend had been to meet up with an old friend who would be in town, but this was sadly cancelled when he missed his train... My karma must be bruised in the area of weekend plans. ( See previous post about cancelled reunion) Anyway, off I go. Need to go look for my running gear!

Back again

Wow... haven't been posting in a good while again. And now they (blogger) have changed everything, so I'm pretty much back to learning how to use the whole thing again... ;) Quite a lot has happened since last time I wrote a post, but I'm not going to do any recounts - one more try to start again instead... Enjoying a weekend off right now, and I could never have guessed it would feel this good! I have been working too much recently, to the point where as soon as I didn't I would just shut off completely out of exhaustion. So yes, I guess I needed it. The reason for the weekend off was a planned reunion with my class from art school, but sadly this was cancelled. I'm not much for that kind of events normally, but I had been looking forward to this one a lot! I hope we will make it happen someday! First I was also sad about "waisting" a weekend on a cancelled event, but it didn't take long for me to start enjoying it. So much extra time! I haven't been enjoying any crazy partying or other cool events, just been cleaning my apartment, exercising and generally taking up stuff left off because of my constant stressing. It' been so, so nice and the best thing is - there's one more day of it! One great thing last week was kicking off (yes. pun intended.) the advertising campaign for our beginners course. I think it went quite smoothly this time, and most people involved seemed to enjoy it, too. We had quite a lot of people ask us stuff or otherwise show interest at the Freshers fair, so it'll be very exciting to see how many of them will actually show up to practice... Hoping for a big number of course, we do need new members... Getting sleepy now, so I'll end here and try my best to return soon.

The Things To Do list

I am so tired. It's Sunday night and I'm here in front of the computer trying to catch up... So many things I didn't have the time -or energy- to do during the weekend. I don't like working Saturdays. It went quite well yesterday, even though I had a small extra round to do I still managed to finish it all in one day. The idea behind this was to instead have all of Sunday (today) off. Only problem with this plan of mine is that I'm still too tired today to greally get anything done. Last night I was so tired I first just dozed off but then couldn't get sleep, and I'm feeling that today. Wish I had just one day to really rest.

I should really be studying too. I had really wanted to finish my thesis by now... So stressed. I should probably g orunning - it usually helps - but it's too late tonight, so I'm hoping to go tomorrow morning instead.

And tomorrow is Monday, with an already growing list of Things To Do... At least I've been able to cross some things off today's list! I don't really like TTD-lists, but I need to make them, as I'm too preoccupied to remember anything otherwise.

...And now, I interupt my own whinings to link to just another wonderful post Leo on Zen Habits, a favourite blog of mine that I happily follow. The topic this time: Being present.

Just what I needed to read right now.

Enjoy!

*breathes out*

Hard time writing

Ok. So I had another pause from blogging. This time, to be completely honest with you, it was because I chickened out. I knew the next thing to write about was (would have been) about me having a hard time going "home" to visit and why this is so. And I did start to write, in the before-mentioned sketchbook of mine. But when it came down to posting it all, I was struggling with a bad conscience. Writing about it made me feel disloyal. So I just kept putting it up, and while dong so, obviously didn't write about anything else either. Must try again later.

At least I've found my drawing again! Spent last night doing only that, actually - and loving it!" so that feels great.

Work

Today I had my second-to-worst day at work since I started, simply because it was so physically challenging. And I'm not even unfit! The work load is so un-even, and I will never know beforehand what to expect of the day. I hope the weather will be cooler than promised tomorrow, kept getting sweat in my eyes today. *Fingers crossed*

Anyway, tonight I filled in one more of those jobsearch "profiles" that some places have. I need to find a better job! And yes, I know you shouldn't whine about your workplace on the internet, but I hardly believe that anyone from The Unmentioned Company would be reading my blog - and if thay do, so be it.

Hmmm... remembering now that I was supPosed to write about something completely different than this, but I'll simply have to post about that later. Let's just say that some of my bad mood might also be linked to a certain recent visit to my hometown. I always seem to suffer some kind of mental hangover after those.

Bloody pain

Woke up with menstrual pain this morning. This meant spending the first half of the day in bed enjoying the by this point all too familiar combo of pain killers and foetal position... Good thing I have ajustable work hours, even though this instead meant that I had to work until late in the evening, still without finishing it all... I have had ridiculously strong menstrual pains ever since high school (not before that, for some reason?) and nothing has helped. For example, I expected it to get better when I stopped smoking, as I had heard that this can be a typical problem for smokers. But it's already been 1 1/2 years, and I've felt no difference whatsoever. The only good thing about this is that it's always over after the first day. So now I'll have an entire month without that pain.

Tired and in a bad mood now. But well, tomorrow is a brand new day.

And no, I have no idea why I felt the need to post this.

What I want

Today I've started to fill out a CV on a work recruitation site. I had to pause because it got me so down. Things like wtiting job applications or updating my CV always make me feel hopeless. I suspect it would be easier if I would just figure out what I actually want and then go for that. I know for a fact that I can be very motivated when there is something I really want to have or to do. The problem right now is I just don't - especially jobwise. And even i i look for "simple" jobs I need to make it look like I am motivated and know what I want and what I'm good at. The job I have now if both unmotivating and underpaid, so I really need another one.

So how do you figure out what it is you want? If your brain refuses to tell you?

The written sketchbook

Sometimes when I want to write a blogpost I'll just sit down in front of the computer and start writing something. Just as often I'll go searching for ideas in a litle book of "bacic ideas". I keep this book next to my bed, and every now and then I'll write something in it just before I go to sleep.

(I use to post my midnight ramblings here when I'd have trouble sleeping - see any posts tagged "insomnia" - but I've found that it works better with a book. Now I don't have to get up to write.)

I wouldn't count this book as a "diary", simply because of how messy it is. It's more like a sketchbook but for words and thoughts. I'll write absolutely anything that comes to my head. Sometimes these writings will turn into blogposts that I'm very happy about (No. I will not mention which ones.) but just as often I'll be reminded of just how different text can look on screen... I still love writing with a pen.

One more thing I've noticed is that it seems I either both draw and write actively or do neither of them. So no, obviously no drawings have been made during the past couple of months. I've tried but it just hasn't worked, I've produced nothing. Of corse it can't be forced, but I really missed it and I hope to get back to drawing soon!

That's it for now. I'll stop before I've stared at the screen for too long.

Are you experienced?

Lately I've been reminded of how when you get your routines in order, the hunger for experiences also returns. During these past few months I might have done less but I know I have experienced more. I believe that experiencing things is less about what you do than it is about actually being there in the moment while doing whatever it is you've chosen to do, actively taking part and taking in.

Sometimes I think this is one of the main reasons I keep finding a new and deeper interest in the KDS and karate practice - for me it's an environment where this side of me gets to thrive.

This summer I will finally be taking part in the "big" Summer School, a week-long karate course held in Britain and pretty much the biggest happening of the year. I have been wanting to do this earlier years too, but simply not as much as I found myself wanting it this year. And now I am going! I got the confirmation letter in the mail earlier this week, and also finally booked plane tickets, so I'm actually two steps closer. I'm really excited about this, haven't even been in Britain before...

---

On a completely different matter: I wonder how the "You might also like"-links are chosen. It seemed like a fun idea to add this feature, and for a while I believed it would link to posts with same or similar tags, but they just seem more and more random to me..?

Still alive

...and once again I'll try to find my way back to writing on a regular basis. I still don't get why I haven't. I already know that waiting for something important to write just doesn't work - just writing does. I have considered changing the language of the blog back to Swedish, but don't feel sure about it. So until I do, I won't.

Wow. I completely forgot what I was about to write. Maybe I'll remember it tomorrow. I'll try to returnhere more often anyway.

Friday

One more job application sent. I still hate writing them, and no - I don't get why I hate it so much. It isn't or at least shouldn't be hard. And it always feels good having finished and sent one.

Had a really lovely jog/run in the sunshine earlie today. The enjoyment of running is on a completely different level with the sun in ypur face and the cool wind in your hair! Even thinking of it now makes me smile!

Nothing more to report today.

Heading home now.

Wish I had a bottle of wine waiting, though.

on music and being tired..?

I came here tonight to finish a job application I started earlier, start on a course diary and things like that. But now I'm just sleepy, and haven't hardly even started yet. Slept bad again last night, for no particular reason as usual. One strange thing I've noticed is that my cat seems to react on my bad sleeping. If (or rather when) I having serious problems sleeping she will start scratching at the door, again and again. and this, of course, makes me even more nervous.

Anyway, the course diary is for a really interesting course I'm taking right now - Music, Power and Violence. It's in musicology so it obviously has little to nothing to do with my own area but it feels good to do something only out of interest too. The lecturer is very good and inspiring, so it's a pleasure to listen, but it's also kind of on my mind all of the time now - for example sitting here listening to music in my headphones just a slight bit to loud I'm of course pondering this need to shut out the real world (while still physically being in it) and instead building this own one with the help of the music in my ears...

Vappu is coming up this Saturday, and it bothers me that i still don't know of any program for the night. Except for the late night of course, will traditionally be visiting Kåren then. I'm still looking forward to it a bit but obviously not as much as past years.

Have to stop now. Need sleep.

Sunday

Today is election day. I can't remember ever having skipped voting. I simply think it's stupid not to. It might be a cliché, but yes: if you don't vote you shouldn't complain either. So I guess you could say I've erarned my right to complain for four more years. Yay!

My so called plan for this weekend was to actually go out and act social, but I found myself at home, cleaning the apartment on a Saturday night. And I didn't feel too bad about it! I like my new home and even take a certain pride in keeping it tidy enough. (Who'd have ever thought...)

My mind is still bugging me. Everything is so... ... unlimited..? When happy, I'm OMGhappy!!!!1!, when sad - absolutely miserable. When I'm disappointed, I'll stay so for days. I still wish I'd learn to master some kind of emotional strangulation technique. How to shut it all off. I went for what was suypposed to be a long walk but turned into jogging. It was really nice, the weather absolutely beautiful and all, and it did help in soothing a bit of the restlessness.

Show me how to live

I guess I forgot about how life changes like these don't go by without some reinventing of yourself. Some patching and mending. Sometimes I doubt everything I am. Luckily not for long. It's still scary, though. I miss my old friends from back home. Wish I wouldn't have to visit the Olde Hellhole to see them. One day I just realised that there's no one left here who knows me from before I came to Turku.
I made an important decision late last night: I will try to keep my alcohol intake to an absolute minimum this spring. It doesn't mean I can't or would refuse to party, just that I'll try to cut down on the booze when doing so. I still love beer, I just don't miss the person I obviously tend to turn into when I'm drunk.

I still don't have internet in the "new" apartment but I'll try to learn to cope with writing my posts here at university. I've missed blogging. Can't think of anything more to write now. Just that I'm very confused about most things. I'll just post now. OK.

Writing! \o/

Ahhhh! Alone in the humanistics dept. computer class! What a luxury!

The reaason I'm still here is that I just wrote a test. Think it went fine, or at least - obviously - hope so! The course in question was quite interesting, "Communication and contact", about for example how things like the mobile phone and social networking has shaped every day-life and how we interact. But so.much.to.write!!! I had to let go of the test papers and hand them in after two hours, because that was when I realized I hardly knew what I was writing anymore - whether it was all facts or something I'd just come up with... This tends to happen if (or when) I'm inspired. And a couple of years of blogging has really helped loosen up my writing. As a freshman I used to write test answers and even essays of a maximum 5-10 sentences, while now I'll just sit down, lean back and basically puke words at the paper. Still not completely sure if that's a really good thing or something to be seriously concerned about...

Wish the same thing would happen to my thesis, though.

Guess what day it is tomorrow?! FRIDAAAYYY!!!

Sleeepy

I came here (computer class, university.) to finish the things I had planed to do earlier today. In the early afternoon, when I was here last, the biggest issue was that I simply couldn't concentrate on anything with so many people around me. Now, instead, I am far too sleepy to get anything done. Another example of great planning.

For the most part a good day, though. It started off with a short field trip (with the ethnologists) to a nearby old mansion - now museum. It was a nice visit though cold. It was interesting to move around in a closed-off museal environment, bit of a "behind the scenes" experience.

After managing to stay awake all through one of those less necessary lectures - but instead failing at using the computer class - I decided instead to go for a long walk in the sun and then get things done at home (which I did.). The walk did good! One step closer to returning to my running routine, perhaps?

I also ordered tickets to Tallinn! I'll be going there this weekend after all, to attend my first ever Black& brown course. Yikes! I'm a bit worried considering my health, or rather my lack of recovery after the last course... But decided to play stupid and just go! Hah! And for the most part I'm just excited.

Things To Do tomorrow:
- Finish at least a couple of the job applications. Having started is not good enough.
- Buy kitty litter - the usual brand! My futile try to change to the more environmentally-friendly wood-based brand was not appreciated. At all. I got no less than two blankets pissed on. OK. Point taken. You win, you little bastard princess.
- Study for exam next week. Had forgot all about it!
- Send thousands of emails before the weekend, as I will quite possibly have no internet before Sunday evening.

And practice in the evening! Hope the walk helped soften me up at least a bit!

Short update

I still haven't gotten to fixing myself up with internet at the new apartment, never had I guessed it would take this long. so here I am spending a late evening at university again. There is of corse a good side to this too, as I will for example do less unnecesary surfing around when I'm finally connected. Also, I've spent more time actually doing things at home. Or so I imagine. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm just using more time on daydreaming instead...

This last weekend I decided to spend only at home, only doing things I like. (Ok. Cheated a bit and did the dishes too - I bloody had to. No space left in the kitchen.) But I also spent more time than... I don't know when, drawing while drinkiung ridiculously expensive whine. (One of the Good Bottles I got for my 30th birthday).

On Saturday afternoon I actually left the apartment, to attend the wedding of a good friens and his fiancé. It was a beautiful small wedding and a nice get-together with friends afterwards. I'm glad I got the chance to attend it!

Now back to updating the CV. That's what I'm pretending to do here, while also (obviously) blogging... I wish I had something new nd cool to ad to my CV every time I need to use it for something, that would make it so much more fun to work on it. Oh well. It has to be done.

A bit late

I know I haven't been updating in a good while. I've been blaming it on the move and not having had internet at home, but to be honest I've also simply been tired and unmotivated. There's a lot going on right now, and I'm simply trying not to mess everything up...

I guess I just wanted to say that I'm still alive and well... that I'll be trying to get some routines going again now that I've got used to the new place.

Familiar?

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

One more blog

I've finally made The New Blog!

This, of course, does not mean I'll stop writing and posting over here in the Creature blog. The new blog - over at tumblr - is going to be the slightly more "professional" blog, where i post about my own art projects as well as other artists I happen to come across and like. I have often thought of writing about art here, especially other people's art, and when I've seen something interesting I've bookmarked it for later or just written the name down - always with the thought that "I absolutely have to write about this... ..later". And then I never do. Things like that just don't fit in here. Considering my own art, I've always known that I want a different page for it. Something less personal than this place. I'm quite happy with it, at least to begin with, but lots of change will be done as soon as I learn how to... I never realized how accustomed I've grown to using blogger before trying to work even the least creatively with another medium... Wow. I still don't get most of it.

Anyway, check it out!

Quote of the Day

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but the very least you need is a beer."

-Frank Zappa

Moving day 1.

The boys moved out today. We had a nice group of people helping out, and the whole thing was done quite effectively. Now i sit alone in the half-emptied apartment and Boy. Does. It. Feel. Strange.... Usually I don't have a problem with being home alone but now, since almost everything is gone (couch, TV, microwave, desks, bookcases, you name it...) I can't just follow my routines. The living room is the most empty, since almost nothing in there was mine. This, my own corner of the workspace, looks more or less the same and feels more OK to dwell in. The bedroom is fine too, also mostly my stuff in there.

I will have to find more than a couple of new routines  after the move, since my new home is located in more or less the other end of town. I need to find a new place to run and I'll really miss my favorite corner shop.

I'm going to start (or continue?) packing my stuff too, I'll just have to get some more boxes. It'll be real nice having my own place assembled. And speaking of such - yes, I got the apartment I was hoping for! Oh joy!

Tonight most of the city of Turku are out in the cold celebrating the start of our year as European Cultural Capital. But I chose to stay at home and enjoy the combination of cold beer, warm sauna and nice music - a favorite combination of mine. Works every time!

Waiting

I really liked the last apartment I looked at! It's small and quite simple but it was also much closer than expected to what I'm looking for. Also, it was simply cozy, homely. And cheap! I could really see myself live there. Now I just have to wait for the call. I talked to the landlady today and told her about my interest, and she told me that there is still one eventual tenant coming to look at it and that she'd call me tomorrow. Whether I'll get the apartment or not.

I am hoping so hard right now. (Not praying, since I'm not very religious. Sometimes I almost wish I was, though.)

I hope I don't have to keep looking. There's only half a month left before I have to be out. Not nice. Not nice at all. I want to be able to picture myself in my new home.

30 things I love about myself

Some time ago I saw this idea about creating a list of 30 things I love about myself on the Frisky. I thought it was a lovely idea (still do.) and very motivational, and decided I would try write my own... And then I forgot about it and nothing happened - until quite recently when I re-read some old posts of mine, saw the "30 things..." post again and decided to give it another try! I think it would do me good right now. It certainly wasn't easy thinking of so many different things, and I must admit that a couple of the things on my list are closer to "things I wish I loved about myself" than things I'd already love. On the other hand I guess that could be seen as a challenge of sorts!

It did take a little while to put the whole list together, but here goes:

30 things I love about myself

1. My hair (or rather love-hate-relationship, to be honest)
2. My cooking.
3. That I quit smoking after ...14 years..?
4. That I'm not a picky eater
5. My love for animals
6. My abs! I finally have visible abs!
7. That I can see both sides of most issues
8. My creativity
9. My ability to laugh at myself
10. That I'm opinionated
11. The way my body feels when I run
12. That I finally came out as a geek
13. I'm quite good at completely ignoring social circles and making different people interact with each other
14. I like to think I'm open minded
15. My very selective organizational skills
16. My orgasms! (Yes. I squirt. There's some TMI for you.)
17. That I finally have an exercise routine
18. My appreciation of small things
19. That I've been through some crap and come out a better person
20. My curiousity.
21. My love of learning.
22. That I've been a proud vegetarian for over a decade!
23. My ability to make friends with cats.
24. My appreciation of original people.
25. My imagination!
26. My ability to make people laugh. (see #9.)
27. My skin
28. When there's something I really want I won't stop at anything.
29. my excellent taste in music and/or alcoholic beverages ;)
30. that I sill have people tell me they feel they can relax and be themselves in my company.

Phew! That wasn't too easy. Long after I thought I had the list finished I've still changed things back and forth... But now it's there!

Now it's your turn! And no cheating, try to think of 30 things! It's hard but I bet it's good for you!

On disappointment and insomnia

Had an eventual new home shown to me yesterday, and it was such a disappointment! I guess my hopes for that particular place were a bit to high.The room was tiny, drab and lacking more than it contained. So I'm still looking.... and getting a bit anxious.As a rule, the flats that are in my price range and within city limits seem to all be No Pets Allowed...

And the insomnia seems here to stay. I decided to rise earlier  today, extra early, no matter if I'd caught sleep or not, to see if it would help - so that I'd be tired when night comes. And well, at least I've been sleepy all day. Having a cup of tea now (Yes. Green. No caffeine here.) and hoping to go to bed early tonight. And sleep.

...Ok. I can't even think of anything to write tonight. I have so many thoughts in my head but obviously no control over them. Think I'll just go sneak one more piece of lasagna (comfort food? what comfort food?) and then hit the sack.

Happy New Year!

...things can only get better.

I hope I'll get some sleep tonight, though. Today I went to grocery-shopping leaving both my keys and mobile phone at home... So not only was I locked  outside our apartment - I couldn't call anyone to come let me in... Just great. I wanted to kick myself.

Hard.

But now: Sleep. Keep your fingers crossed.