fredag 31 december 2010


Been having troubles sleeping again, more or less since every night since I returned after the holidays. I actually went to bed quite early tonight, but it didn't help. I'm really tired. I lay awake long enough to get hungry so I had to get up and make myself sandwiches.. And here I am now.

Not knowing where I'll be living from February on is really getting to me. I'm going to look at a one room flat on Monday, that I'm a bit curious about. They made the place sound really cozy in the advertisement, and the person I've been in contact with seemed nice too. Also, it's cheap! So... the more cynical side of me is seriously pondering what might be wrong with it. I never did ask whether or not you are allowed to have pets... Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

It's a bit strange to realize that it's actually New year's eve today, that really came out of nowhere. And for the first time since... early teens..? I don't have any plans for tonight. One more thing I just haven't got myself to. I couldn't really afford to party hard anyway, with the big Move eating quite a big piece off my finances.  Maybe I'll just pour myself a drink in the company of the Interwebz and then go out and watch the fireworks... Yes, that does seem like a good enough plan.

tisdag 21 december 2010

Stressed out about Christmas

Getting nothing done today. Okay, been tidying the kitchen up a bit, but except for that...

I guess I'm a bit nervous about Christmas. You could almost say it's a cynical little tradition of mine - I'm always nervous about Christmas. This year I haven't even done anything about the whole thing - I haven't decorated, haven't bought any gifts, haven't sent any cards... Nothing. On the other hand, maybe engaging in some of those activities might also have worked as stress release of some kind..? I don't know. I haven't had the energy or inspiration to get myself into it anyway. I'm really looking forward to meeting old friends and so on, but other than that I think I would do just as well without Christmas this year.

My experience is that, come Christmas, something negative will happen. Not only the fact that I'm always broke in December (if not before Christmas, then - of course - after) but literally: bad things happen. Someone will die or get sick or I will brake something or make someone sad. Or someone else will do so. And yes, I do know that focusing on your fear or eventual bad things that might or might not happen in the future will not change anything, at least not for the better. But I still do.

...And now all of a sudden it hits me that I haven't eaten yet, at least properly. It's off to make some kind of dinner then. One more thing that worries me is when I don't notice being hungry or not having eaten... I really thought that was a thing of the past. I honestly hope it'll all be better come next year... Or at least that will know where to freaking live!

My kind of snow sculpture

Ha ha! This looks like my kind of snow sculpture! Why didn't I think of it first? Almost makes me want to go out in the snow... Almost.

måndag 20 december 2010

söndag 19 december 2010

word of the day: Nostalgia!

Today I've kept on going through old crap things. It all got really nostalgic for a while, when I found a whole pile of my own old artwork (prints, mostly) to flicker through while listening to old, long forgotten records. There's something a bit cathartic about the whole project of moving out.

I also found my lost mini panels! Beside the collages I've been doing lately, I've also started working on a miniature collage - hence wondering where I put the other tiny panels I remembered getting at the same time... And today they were found: on the bookshelf, nicely tucked in between my books on American history! So now I've painted a bit of a base coat (in a mix of white acrylic paint + crushed eye shadow) on the other mini panels too, making myself exited to see a series of tiny, tiny collages coming up soon...  For these, I'm also using lines cut out from a terrible novel (No. I won't mention which one. I'm glad I found some use for it though.) and glossy vintage (-looking) bookmarks. Exciting! So I guess you can see some nostalgia in that, too.

lördag 18 december 2010

everything changes

Last weekends Christmas party was nice - or would have been, had I taken the time to relax and enjoy it, I guess... I was a bit to preoccupied with the arrangements, more than necessary to be honest. It all went down more or less successfully however, and I'm glad so many people showed up!

Now it's back to working on the thesis and also to seriously looking for a new home.For a while I was hoping to find new roommates for this place, but then I realized that I really want to move. However nice this flat is, I need the change that comes with a move and the fresh start that hopefully follows moving into the new place, wherever it is. The problem is just that: I still don't know where I'll be living from January on... I'm hoping to hear from the Student Foundation, I've applied for a one-room flat in the student village. Not the most luxurious  kind of living, but cheap and bloody well good enough!

My new home will be a lot smaller, but I'm also taking the opportunity to go through the crapload amazing amount of things I've been stacking up in here, and actually threw away bags of stuff. I also quite quickly collected a pile of stuff - clothes, books, various kinds of smaller crap - to sell/donate. And it feels great to get rid of all that shit!

We have finally started to tell people around us about the breakup (it was more or less necessary because of the apartment hunt), which is good in it's own way  - it almost feels like I can breath more easily again.

A lot of things are really uncertain now, but I guess the only thing I can do right now is to hope for the best, and in some cases also to try my best.

Wish me luck.

tisdag 7 december 2010

quote of the day

"You must not loose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean itself does not become dirty."
Mahatma Gandhi

söndag 5 december 2010

Sunday afternoon ramblings

As if it wasn't already enough, I now seem to have caught a cold or flu... No runny nose or sore throat, but a slight fever that just won't go away ad a a strangeness in my lunges... Tired and freezing all the time. I think I'll try to get this pace cleaned today, it should be enough to keep me warm but at the same time not to intellectually challenging.

At least I got some new ideas for my collages last night - I've already made drastic changes to two of them! I also started some new collections of materials for a couple of them. So that feels really interested right now. I'm just lacking the energy to actually conduct that much... So I'm saving that for later. I really should post pictures of the process at some point. Usually I tend to wait until a work is finished before I even think of documenting it, but sometimes, especially if I've made some more drastic change to a piece I'm reminded of what a good idea it might have been to actually document the process too...

I broke my sober month last night. I had planned to stay sober for just over one month, or until December 11th - next weekend. But I was tired and in a bad mood and had added a bunch of other bad excuses to that, and just decided to pour myself a whiskey. No, I do not regret it and yes, it did taste like heaven!

torsdag 2 december 2010

Pissed on - pissed off

This morning I had the alarm set for 8:30. I was just going to snooze once... ...when I smelled it. Urine. Oh joy. Little miss Cat had obviously peed in my bed, while I was still in it. Just great. So the snoozing was called off quite quickly, or rather substituted by doing laundry. What a fucked up start on the day... Pissed off and pissed on at the same time. Well, my mood is a bit better now, after breakfast. I'm not a nice person pre-breakfast. And, to try look at the bright side of things - at least I got up on time, which means I've been active for a couple of hours already. But still. She (ms. Cat) never seizes to surprise me.

No one here.Just us plants.No kittehs...

Should get back to work now. Not only do I have quite a bit of bureaucracy to handle today, but should also really try to finish the updated questionnaire needed for my thesis. It's already late. I can't believe it's Thursday already, where did this week disappear to?!
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