Relocating your mother

A new date has been set for my mother's move here down south. It is in a week. I still can't believe it, no matter how hard I try. She's lived there for over thirty years. I'm going up there next weekend to try and sort out more of my own old stuff, and to help out with whatever is needed.

I don't think I will miss the house, as in the house itself. It is the house where  I grew up, but the memories related to it are so mixed. Good and bad. And there's the disrepair. And I'm so relieved this is happening now and not... later. That fear of having to go through all of it on my own if something were to happen to her.

At the same time I see it as having parts of my roots cut off. I won't have any family(that I know of) left in that town now.

So this could actually be the last time. Obviously at some point it will be needed to return to really finish things, clean everything up and so on..? But no one will be living there. I've had my last Christmas in that house.

She wanted to move in the fall, so it wouldn't be so hard to leave her garden.

Nonsense weekend

I had last weekend off again, but wasted most of the time and got very little done. The original plan (and the reason for my Saturday off) had been to attend short karate course, but after my return to work last week my knee started to bother me so much again that I decided against the course. So instead I had one more free weekend to use for whatever I wanted. What I did? Well, it included two days of concerts (Thursday and Saturday), one bottle of a new favorite red wine (both cheap and ecologic!), some catching up with an old friend (former room-mate actually, from the small commune I lived in before the separation) and some drawing. I'm trying graphite again, and it's going surprisingly well. I was especially surprised to find a slightly more expressive style, compared to my more recent drawing... Interesting.

So all in all a good weekend, even though I had been more happy if I had also got something (anything!) sensible done. Something like finishing essays, cleaning my flat, looking for that lost, longer version of my thesis... I seriously hardly even took out the trash. Or then maybe I just need to learn to relax and enjoy things without guilt tripping...

Tomorrow I'm going to try working again and hope for the best. If my knee can't take it I'll simply have to contact my doctor again and see what to do about it. But still hoping I won't have to do that.

Some days I hate myself for being such an introvert

and for still building so much my life around it.

Just let yourself in, I can't help you with that today.
Some doors need to be opened from the outside.
And some days it's easier to shout to the world than to look someone in the eye.

weekend update

I've now enjoyed one more weekend off, but plan to try and return to work this week, depending on how it feels tomorrow. My knee has been much better these last couple of days, but I'll still have to be careful - I don't want to make anything (much) worse before next weekend, when I plan to carefully attend a two-day course in Kuusankoski.

I've done some drawing this weekend, a couple of small self portraits and an experiment with red wine... I had a bottle of cheap red wine that didn't taste too good, so I decided to see what it would look like as "paint". Just did some shading on a drawing, but I think I'll have to try that again, the wine sometimes reacted quite unexpectedly with/on the paper... But I'll have to return to that later.

Tonight I'll try training again, and see what works. We're changing the program on the lower grade side (that I teach), so next week on we'll be doing kicks for a while. Will be fun, as long as I can do it myself too!

on writing

It was amazing to have a full weekend off work! I got so much done. It was good to have that little extra time, a chance to catch up and to care for my long-neglected home. I've tidied my flat (which was in a state close to health hazard again), rested, read lots and even got some writing done. When cleaning, I found quite a pile of forgotten notes from last spring, that m now having great use for - both for my thesis and for the essays I'm working on for the moment. The pages of notes came with... maybe you could call it a bonus of kinds. On several of the pages (I had completely forgotten about this!) I had also made my own personal notes in the margins, spontaneous little notes on this and that, on things I had seen or thought of at the moment, absolutely unrelated to what I had been studying. These were very fun to read, made me remember things...I bet I still do them, haven't even thought about it really.

Where does this need to write come from? Sometimes I think I'd be nothing without my words.


I'll soon be off to see the doctor again about my knee. I need to know whether to keep eating the same medicines, and I'm going to ask for one more week of sick leave.

Post- Poland update

The weekend in Poland, both the training and the socials, was quite amazing! And as guests, we were spoiled rotten! It was my first time in the country, and I liked it so much! I now have several new friends, and I've learned much more than I expected. The course itself could in a way be compared to this year's summer school - the program was very basic, and we did the same exercises for quite a while, but instead went through everything very thoroughly. It seems all participants were happy with the course, or if someone isn't, I haven't been told.

The flight back to Helsinki was cancelled, due to technical problems, so we had to stay one night extra in Warsaw, but once we got over the initial irritation this was fine, too. Got one night at a nice hotel just next to the airport and a voucher covering for dinner and breakfast. We went out on town in the evening, to meet up with some other late travelers, and had a beer or five, and lots of fun! And then in the morning a nice, long sleep-in followed by a hot bath and as much hotel breakfast as I could get away with.

One bad thing that came with the course was a damaged knee. I seem to have some kid of an inflammation in my right knee, not sure of the cause but quite possibly it's in the muscle hold in front of the knee. I went to see a doctor soon as I returned home, she wasn't sure of the cause but prescribed me painkillers and sick leave from work. I've been on ibuprofen for 4 days now, also using an anti-inflammatory gel on the knee. So far there's been no major change, just feels slightly better than when it started (in the car, leaving the last session). For this reason, I haven't been training very hard myself this week, not karate and definitely no running, but I've still instructed the beginner's group (twice this week). I miss training properly, and can't wait to go running again! And I'm walking so slow now... The only good part of this is that I'm on sick leave from my work - no way of running up and down stairs with a fucked-up knee. Still have to see what to do about my mother's moving... I hope this will pass soon so that everything can go back to normal!

on moving and karate. I can't think of good headlines anymore...

I think we got a good start to the whole moving project. I'll return once more now in October, before the actual move, to help out again. On our schedule this time will be throwing out heaps of old junk.... But, before that, Poland!! This weekend! I'm missing a lot of work (and, with that, pay...) this fall because of all the traveling, but so far it's been worth it. We hope to have the whole moving business finished in November. Before that, I'll have to throw out some old stuff of my own too, as I'll be needing space for that growing pile of stuff that I've been leaving at mum's place every time I've moved homes myself. This will be interesting, as I now live in a tiny, 22m2 flat.

In karate, our beginner's course has started. I'm quite happy both with the group of beginners and with the assistant teacher. Now we'll just have to see how many of them will stay with us, and hope for the best. OK, I'm very hyper right now and can't really concentrate on my writing. I think I'll just try again tomorrow.