New year, art and blogging

No. I'm not going to write a recap of 2014, as I figured I'd much rather comment on my situation now, right this moment.

I have a cold. I have problems sleeping at night. BUT: I feel great! I have so much inspiration right now. Started this year doing mainly two things: sleeping and artwork! I've almost finished one of my more long-term pieces. Once again, allowing myself some time "off" everything has been great - I never decided to work on my art either. And, once again, I've been reminded of how inspiring some people can be, sometimes it doesn't take more than a simple word or two from the right person and you just watch things evolve from that. There are so many pent-up ideas! I wish I could keep doing only this for a while longer, but the holidays are ending. Time to return to reality.

OK, one comment on this blog too. I noticed that last year was my most passive so far, write-wise. I miss writing in Swedish, but haven't done anything about it yet. No new blog, because I don't feel ready to end this one (and I doubt that I would have the motivation to keep two blogs going at the same time), but I'm not sure about changing this blog back to Swedish either. We'll see.

On training and inspiration

I have had loads to do at uni lately. Most of it has been very interesting - I write about things I am interested in, after all - but one downside is that I haven't been training (no karate, no running, no other kind of working out either...) for the last two weeks. Two weeks might not sound like a very long time to some, but for me it is. And while I'll confess that it would not have been impossible to train all days, on most of the free nights I've had, I've simply been too tired. Still not sure whether I'm making up excuses or tying to learn to accept weakness...

Last month, another member of the same karate organisation initiated the tart of a women's network within it. So far the network has been about sharing experiences, memories, photos and other things - we have a closed facebook group and a smaller number f the members have also started using the same training log site. This has all been very inspiring, and  the training log has been good for my motivation when it comes to actual training. Knowing that people you know can see both how and how often you train can really be that kick in the butt you need to get going some days. But the last two weeks this has made my inactivity even more frustrating - as now everyone has been able to follow it! Embarrassing!

I'll be back (doing karate) tomorrow, and have promised myself to throw in at least one good run too this week.

on aging parent(s)

Had a scary moment with my 75 year-old mother this Monday. Paid her a visit (after having been away fr two days) and just noticed something was wrong. She seemed very nervous and confused, and complained about this and about feeling "lost". She kept asking about small things in her home, which all seemed strange to her - groceries she had bought, some small objects on the table, books she had got from the library, the damp clothes hung up to dry... She couldn't recall any of them and asked me, over and over again, "have you brought those? "Did you wash here?" "Can you tell me what that even is?" No matter how many times I answered the same questions, she was not able to remember the answer. She couldn't remember what she had done the past couple of days, where she had been or even whether she had eaten the same day or not. This was both shocking and scary, as she had never suffered anything like this before, nor had problems with her memory.

This state, however, passed the same evening and she saw a doctor the following morning. His conclusion after many questions and tests (I had to answer some of the questions, as she had almost no recollections of the night before) was transient global amnesia, which is not uncommon among elderly women, and that there should be no imminent danger of any kind. She will go through numerous tests next week, though, and we both hope and fear learning something more then.I still fear that this will turn out to be a symptom of something worse.

I was still shaky after all of this was over (and after a sleepless night), but trying to feel relief now. Not quite able to convince myself, though. Her aging scares me, or rather the risks that entail aging. I guess it's one of the things you will never grow used to. And how could you, as it's a changing progress itself?

I must remember to cherish the good times. I'll log out now and pay her a visit.

Friday afternoon procrastination

Friday. Very tired today and having absolutely no motivation whatsoever. Still decided to stay around a bit longer and at least pretend to work.I find myself checking my twitter feed more than anything else. And looking through the contents on my memory stick marked "Karate". I notice now that surprisingly much of the material is unknown even to myself. And while some of it certainly very interesting, it's also definitely not what I should be doing right now. It's far too easy to be lazy when there's no one else around.Or, well, distracted might be a better word than lazy - I'm actively procrastinating after all...

My conscience isn't too bad, though. I've made progress with both theses and I don't have any impending deadline right this moment. That I know of.

Wow. This was a very necessary post.

Update from the Yellow House

Just realised I completely forgot to update last month. Lots of things going on, most of them relating to my studies. I'm glad to say I've finally got ahead with my thesis again. AND I found an actual interest in it again, so I rarely even have to force myself to work on it anymore. I'm not only working on my masters in Ethology, but at the same time also an essay in Art theory. The later one will, or so are the plans, later be included as a chapter in my masters, and the subject for it was chosen with this in mind - I'm analysing the architectural changes done to a representational building in the town I've already been studying for my Ethnology theses.

Beside the sheer inspiration, one more thing that helps me focus right now is I got myself a key to the so called "Yellow House", a building on campus reserved for students working on their masters theses. I don't really have my own room here - you are supposed to clear your table by the end of each day in case someone else needs it - but a locker for my stuff (so I don't need to carry it back and forth) and a table that's practically become mine.

There are many things I could also mention but I'll keep it short and try to return soon enough.

I survived Summer School

I survived Summer School! Had a great course experience again this year, but I can't remember having ever before struggled this much to recover... I returned home early last Sunday (the course having ended on Friday) and it took until the end of this week before I started to feel "normal" again. Those first couple of days back at work were one.hell.of.a.mess... Or, rather, I was. And my first karate session back home, on Thursday, was ridiculously heavy. Still, I once again came home from Britain with lots of inspiration and good points to work on, and feel very motivated about practice overall. So it was all very much worth the pain. Like I knew it would be.

Last Friday I did my last day of work at the museum. Double feelings. It will be good to have more time over for my studies, but at the same time I worry about my (closest) future - I still haven't found any job for this fall... And I defiantly refuse to go back to paper delivery... So that's one more thing on my list of things to fix. This list is always long this time of the year, with the new term starting. Oh well, back to reality it is, then.

One of those days (or nights)

Yesterday was a heavy day. It had started the night before, a thing I heard about made me sad (no major issue, I have no idea why I reacted so strongly) and I went to bed in a bad mood. I woke up crying at 3.30 am, and couldn't get back to sleep until after 5pm. So the next morning I was not only still sad, but very tired. I didn't get too much done at work and, as the sadness passed, still felt empty inside for the rest of the day.

In the evening, I went jogging with some friends from my sports club, which seemed to kick the last pieces of miserable feelings out of my system. Amazing what physical exercise can do!

The thing is, these things don't happen too often, but still really scare me when they do. The emotional overreactions and, as in this case, the sleeplessness, are both thing that I recognize from my earlier depressions - which is exactly why these reactions scare me. I don't want to have anything like my last depression ever again. Every time this happens there's the fear of it not passing this time... Once again, I'm, happy it did. Relieved.

Today I have my weekly day off. And two weeks my vacation. I'll be careful not to pack any kind of work - a real challenge every year.