New year, art and blogging

No. I'm not going to write a recap of 2014, as I figured I'd much rather comment on my situation now, right this moment.

I have a cold. I have problems sleeping at night. BUT: I feel great! I have so much inspiration right now. Started this year doing mainly two things: sleeping and artwork! I've almost finished one of my more long-term pieces. Once again, allowing myself some time "off" everything has been great - I never decided to work on my art either. And, once again, I've been reminded of how inspiring some people can be, sometimes it doesn't take more than a simple word or two from the right person and you just watch things evolve from that. There are so many pent-up ideas! I wish I could keep doing only this for a while longer, but the holidays are ending. Time to return to reality.

OK, one comment on this blog too. I noticed that last year was my most passive so far, write-wise. I miss writing in Swedish, but haven't done anything about it yet. No new blog, because I don't feel ready to end this one (and I doubt that I would have the motivation to keep two blogs going at the same time), but I'm not sure about changing this blog back to Swedish either. We'll see.

On training and inspiration

I have had loads to do at uni lately. Most of it has been very interesting - I write about things I am interested in, after all - but one downside is that I haven't been training (no karate, no running, no other kind of working out either...) for the last two weeks. Two weeks might not sound like a very long time to some, but for me it is. And while I'll confess that it would not have been impossible to train all days, on most of the free nights I've had, I've simply been too tired. Still not sure whether I'm making up excuses or tying to learn to accept weakness...

Last month, another member of the same karate organisation initiated the tart of a women's network within it. So far the network has been about sharing experiences, memories, photos and other things - we have a closed facebook group and a smaller number f the members have also started using the same training log site. This has all been very inspiring, and  the training log has been good for my motivation when it comes to actual training. Knowing that people you know can see both how and how often you train can really be that kick in the butt you need to get going some days. But the last two weeks this has made my inactivity even more frustrating - as now everyone has been able to follow it! Embarrassing!

I'll be back (doing karate) tomorrow, and have promised myself to throw in at least one good run too this week.

July. On work and such...

Been a while again.

July has, so far, been a bit more hectic than June. Which is good, in a way - more visitors at the museum is always technically good after all - but also means I am tired most of the time. Today, Monday, I have my weekly day off. Until now, it's been spent at uni, working on things I don't have the time or energy to do on most nights. I used to have this idea that I'd do something fun every Monday but now I never really seem to find the time for that, after all. Or the energy. Time and time again I ask myself whether it really was that smart to use all of my vacation days (six days ) on a one-week trip in August. It does heighten my expectations on that week, to say the least - this year it will have to be good to be worth it... But I bet it will.

Had a short visit by friends from back home this weekend, which was great fun! But lots of catching up and too little time, as so often happens. Will be strange not to go up north for a visit this year, and this is the week I'd normally do that.

I'm quite satisfied with the writing I've done today, but wish I had one more day off (a "Sunday" following this "Saturday") to use for other things, like cleaning my flat...

the jar of awesome revisited - again

A couple of days into the new year it hit me: I had completely forgotten to open the Jar of Awesome! So I did. (Truth to be told, the notes had, by the end of the year, to be stores in two separate jars because there was so many of them...)

I then sat down and read them all, and was in some cases surprised by the things I had written about - I had never guessed that they would be so different, rather expected most of them to be about things like training... I also decided to repeat the project this year.

 Earlier posts about the project can be found here and here.

About blogging and self-promotion

Lately, I've been pondering what to do with my other blog, the "art blog" as I think it's been referred to here. It was once created to be a place for me to post and update about my own artwork (and, on the side, about inspiring work of other artists) but it's obviously not being used for that. Too actively, that is. I've been wanting to post pictures from my sketchbook for quite a while now, but this seems just to turn into one more of those things I find myself not going... And recently, I haven't posted much else, either. Yesterday, I tried to give the blog a little fix-up, but to be honest, I'm still not sure if it's for the better or worse. It is more reader-friendly (and viewer-friendly) now, with the bigger text and all, but, on the downside, this almost makes me nervous to post - about my own work, that is.

But after doing a test-post, and liking the new looks of the blog as well as the overall picture quality, I've decided to give the blog one more chance. And to motivate myself to keep posting, I immediately shared the post on G+. Let's see how long it lasts this time.

Listening to: Testament! \m/

quote of the day

Things I've learned from (while) instructing

Last night's session was messy. I felt very confident when I got there, having planned a session that I really believed in. But then it crashed. What happened? The demos didn't work, I got so much of both critique and helpful points that I lost all sense of focus, and when trying to adjust the program, me and my demo partner couldn't get along about in what direction to take it. Just to mention a few things.

 But I did learn something, or rather some things:

- As an instructor, I need to be more verbal. Just showing people what you want them to do is not enough, even if you would do it correctly. I also need to be more clear about what I aim for, and what I want my "students" to focus on.

- I need to learn to be more clear to my demo partner abut what I want, at least the goal of the session, to make it easier to work towards this together.

- I need to train more myself! My shape (and overall "feeling" for what I  do) should be no worse than that of my students.

- If, or when, I know who my demo partner will be, I might just as well also consider that when planning my session. Because the time we can use to go through things (during warm-ups or, when necessary, during exercises) will be limited. And because different things work best with different people. And by admitting this, it should be easier to make use of the powers you and your partner actually have, rather than struggle to make something work that doesn't for the two of you. (I am in no way against challenging yourself, just saying that the session you are just about to teach might not the best opportunity to do this)

Naturally, I also received feedback on my actual karate, but I won't go into that here. Still, wanted to put this down - also as a reminder to myself. The fact that this time was messy didn't put me down (honestly! I didn't!), and I have some new ideas for next time. Will be interesting to, hopefully, try some of them on Sunday.

Birthday post

34. I can't believe how old  I am. And, yes, I remember saying the same thing when I was 22... But seriously, this is the age I used to consider "middle age" back when I was 18-20. Now  keep pushing the definition of "middle age" further and further forward in time. I mean, definitely no earlier than 50, right?

I don't feel old. I'm in better physical (and mental?) shape than I was in my early twenties, first of all. But then again, I am not in the life situation I imagined "back then", not even close. Not saying things are worse. Just... different. When I was around twenty, I would never have imagined that almost 15 years later I would still be a student. Or that I would be living alone. On the other hand, I would have never of being a fresh karate 1. dan, either. Just to mention one thing.

Sometimes I try to imagine what things would be like if not life had taken some of those more unexpected turns - and a some point  I'll end up realizing that I'd miss lots of things that I've won. Of course there are things I want to change (my job!!) but I have also come to realize that the thought of not wanting to change anything around me scares the crap out of me!

Life is nothing like I'd have imagined, but at the same time it's so much more.

Out of words

I have been out of words for a while. There hasn't been more nor less to write about than before, but definitely fewer words. I wonder why that happens.

I guess one reason has been the conflict between wanting to about things that I then notice feel too personal to blog about (not knowing who end up reading it) and on the other hand cutting too much of the too-personal away only to find it all turned very shallow and empty instead. Or end up putting it up.

I've been quite tired lately, having focused mainly on my bread job and university studies. Looking back, I know it would have done me good to allow myself more time for creativity, because when I don't, it will just eat my motivation and mental energy and this way actually slow me down even more. (Why don't I learn this?) I be I've written about this before.

Anyway, only two days left now and then one more week of vacation! Returned my work keys today, something I always love doing! Tonight will be my last session before Summer school,  and I will be practicing dressed as a beginner (without my gi) as  I own only two gi:s and won't have time to do any more laundry before packing for the trip.

So hyped about the weekend! Will be good to use some of the restlessness practice, I think.

Friday brain deluxe

Wow. Suffering from the Friday brain deluxe today. I just want to go home and work on my drawings! I have some new ideas that I haven't had the chance to try out yet, and it's just making me itch!

I'm supposed to finish two essays but I have no motivation at all. Or rather, I'm stuck. I have the material I'm supposed to need but I can't seem to find enough in it to use for my essays.

Anyway, here's your weekly piece of rock! (hah! Pun intended.)

out of energy

I wish I had more energy. There are so many things I want to do, and I've been getting nowhere this week. If I really wanted to make excuses, I guess I could blame part of it on the flu -this has been the worst day of ot so far, had to give in after about half of todays work was done. (Now I have to do the rest tomorrow, so not looking forward to that) I haven't been able to go running because of the flu, and I miss that a lot. Also had to skip practice, when I would so have liked to go through some of the things from last weekend's course. To only sit on my ass and work (write) is so hard when I'm too tired to focus, my brain doesn't feel properly connected (thanks to the flu) and at the same time I can't do any of the things that normally make my day. On the other hand I remember already struggling with (and writing about) motivational problems before last weekend, so I should probably just skip the excuses then.
I should probably try to get back to my artwork even if I officially "don't have the time". Especially as I know this can sometimes work as a kickstart for me... And after a while, when I haven't, I'll feel empty. Just have to get to it, I guess. I wonder why I still so rarely prioritise my art, even though I once took on to make it my profession? I have fought myself more than a couple of times about this, but so far neither side of me has ever won.

Letting go, again.

I think I can see the end of the most stressful (workwise) period of this year so far. As in, I'm not there yet, but I can believe I can see that end twinkling nicely there at the horizon. I wish I could say that I've managed everything, but I haven't. Not surprisingly, I had to let go of a couple of things, including my instructing karate, for this time being. Which is very sad, because I had been looking forward to it for long. But I had to accept that I couldn't do it (at least well) without practising more myself than I've recently been doing. I couldn't focus enough to come up with any kind of working program, nor to maintain the confidence needed to just step out there and effing improvise the times I should have. I just couldn't. Hope I'll get the chance to try again soon enough.

One thing that worries me is that this seems to happen every spring. Every. Spring. I take on too much and then have to decide what to let go. Why do I still do it? I don't know. Aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?

Back to writing essays now. See you around.

Not giving up

Just returned from a students fair at Kåren, we (AKDS) had a table there to advertise ourselves and try get attract some new members. There wasnt too much action, at least in our end of the venue, but at least a couple of visitors seemed interested. This time we were given a bit of floor space too, so it was possible to do simpler demos and have people try punching (pads). But then again, with the lack of visitors, it wasn't too motivating to try do demos either... Oh well, had more fun than last year anyway! And it still felt important to go there and simply show that we are alive and active.  Hope we'll see some new faces on practice soon!
Practice also feels extra exciting right now, as I'm instructing. I haven't been too happy with my instrusting yet, but I'm of course hoping that will change. And that my back will get better soon. I'm not exactly sure what I've done to hurt my back - could be both work- and karate related - but I seem to have pulles either a muscle or a tendron or something...  Had some problems with it during the last course (in Pargas, last weekend), where I had to skip Sunday practice, and haven't been able to attend since then but at least participating in the punching demos tonight felt ok so I think I should be fine. I'm also experiencing some problems with my running, having allergy attacks again without being sure of the cause. So that side of things is a bit heavy right now, but I'm not giving up.

The not giving up also goes for my job hunting, I guess. No luck there, so far. One more negative answer and one more "Thank You for showing interest in [x], we will get back to You." I do have a (part time) job, but I'd really want a new one, as what I do now is simply not fucking worth the effort.

And the rest of the week will be spent writing essays, it seems. I have two deadlines coming up this Sunday (Monday) and a presentation next week. I would so love to have a free weekend, wonder when I'll see one of those again!

Unfinished

I mised all three of last week's karate practices, and without even being ill... Just very tired and honestly a bit unmotivated. This almost scared me, as I normally never miss practice - the opposite. It's the last thing i miss out on, and generally what I usually feel I need to do when everything else is wrong/ demotivational/just sucks... Maybe I needed the break. I plan to attend again tomorrow, anyway.

I also don't know what happened to my writing blogposts. I've started several posts this past couple of weeks, but never finished any of them. They're still there as drafts, unfinished. Not finishing things is the most hopeless one of all pet peeves I've ever had. I can't remember if I've always had this problem, but I know I do now, at university. I'm always late with my essays and assignments too, if I finish them at all. Starting things has never been a problem - after all you only need some inspiration or a good enough idea for that (or something that "seems like a good idea at the time"). I still hope to learn the magical skill of finishing things one day.

project of the week

This week I've forced myself to get up early every morning, even on mornings when I haven't had to "be anywhere". I guess you could say it's one of my long-term projects, only for some reason I haven't been able to keep it up before. I've always been jealous of morning people! Of course it's only been a couple of days yet, but I really hope I'll manage to stick to this. I like having more hours in the day (without staying up until the small hours), and I have noticed geting more things done in a day, so that's good I guess. The thesis has not been touched even once in the entire week, though. A bit ashamed of that. But hopefully I'll get back to that next week! Next week I'll also be attending my first karate course of this year, looking forward to that a lot! I haven't attended one since october, and it's definitely been too long! There will be a lot of them coming up this spring, which is good but with the major ones (two in March, one in June) all being abroad, it will also be quite heavy economically. Getting too sleepy to write now (at 9.30 in the evening, I can't believe it!), I think I'll return home to get some sleep... ...as soon as I've managed to forget ow blisteing cold it's outside.

a bit more positive

Today, i will just link to another lovely post over at zenhabits - "the half step that will change your life" Once again, it was exactly what I needed to read! Have a great weekend!

Friday

The week is almost over and I am sooo sleepy. Haven't got even half done of what I had planned but well... that's life, I guess. My work has been taking up so much more of my time recently, but I guess it would also help if I could find motivation for other things than training/practice... At university, most days I just feel old. This might of course have something to do with the fact that people around me (other university students) are in their early twenties, or even younger. I miss having people my own age around! My only plans for the weekend is to work and study, but I might have to start it all by going out - and with that I litterally mean "going out" as in outside. For some reason we're having beautiful, warm, sunny summer weather today, in the end of September! Another plan for this weekend had been to meet up with an old friend who would be in town, but this was sadly cancelled when he missed his train... My karma must be bruised in the area of weekend plans. ( See previous post about cancelled reunion) Anyway, off I go. Need to go look for my running gear!

Back again

Wow... haven't been posting in a good while again. And now they (blogger) have changed everything, so I'm pretty much back to learning how to use the whole thing again... ;) Quite a lot has happened since last time I wrote a post, but I'm not going to do any recounts - one more try to start again instead... Enjoying a weekend off right now, and I could never have guessed it would feel this good! I have been working too much recently, to the point where as soon as I didn't I would just shut off completely out of exhaustion. So yes, I guess I needed it. The reason for the weekend off was a planned reunion with my class from art school, but sadly this was cancelled. I'm not much for that kind of events normally, but I had been looking forward to this one a lot! I hope we will make it happen someday! First I was also sad about "waisting" a weekend on a cancelled event, but it didn't take long for me to start enjoying it. So much extra time! I haven't been enjoying any crazy partying or other cool events, just been cleaning my apartment, exercising and generally taking up stuff left off because of my constant stressing. It' been so, so nice and the best thing is - there's one more day of it! One great thing last week was kicking off (yes. pun intended.) the advertising campaign for our beginners course. I think it went quite smoothly this time, and most people involved seemed to enjoy it, too. We had quite a lot of people ask us stuff or otherwise show interest at the Freshers fair, so it'll be very exciting to see how many of them will actually show up to practice... Hoping for a big number of course, we do need new members... Getting sleepy now, so I'll end here and try my best to return soon.

The Things To Do list

I am so tired. It's Sunday night and I'm here in front of the computer trying to catch up... So many things I didn't have the time -or energy- to do during the weekend. I don't like working Saturdays. It went quite well yesterday, even though I had a small extra round to do I still managed to finish it all in one day. The idea behind this was to instead have all of Sunday (today) off. Only problem with this plan of mine is that I'm still too tired today to greally get anything done. Last night I was so tired I first just dozed off but then couldn't get sleep, and I'm feeling that today. Wish I had just one day to really rest.

I should really be studying too. I had really wanted to finish my thesis by now... So stressed. I should probably g orunning - it usually helps - but it's too late tonight, so I'm hoping to go tomorrow morning instead.

And tomorrow is Monday, with an already growing list of Things To Do... At least I've been able to cross some things off today's list! I don't really like TTD-lists, but I need to make them, as I'm too preoccupied to remember anything otherwise.

...And now, I interupt my own whinings to link to just another wonderful post Leo on Zen Habits, a favourite blog of mine that I happily follow. The topic this time: Being present.

Just what I needed to read right now.

Enjoy!

*breathes out*

What I want

Today I've started to fill out a CV on a work recruitation site. I had to pause because it got me so down. Things like wtiting job applications or updating my CV always make me feel hopeless. I suspect it would be easier if I would just figure out what I actually want and then go for that. I know for a fact that I can be very motivated when there is something I really want to have or to do. The problem right now is I just don't - especially jobwise. And even i i look for "simple" jobs I need to make it look like I am motivated and know what I want and what I'm good at. The job I have now if both unmotivating and underpaid, so I really need another one.

So how do you figure out what it is you want? If your brain refuses to tell you?