Cold but inspired

I wanted to commet on two things mentioned in my last post:

First of all, having caught my second cold (or flu?) this winter and lost two nights of sleep because of the annoying fuck of a cough that came with it, I'd like to take back anything I wrote about "feeling great!" in my last post...

And, secondly, I did decide to start a new, seprarate blog in Swedish after all. Time will just have to tell what happens to this one, maybe I'll be able to find different uses for the two blogs. Unfortunately, I havent been able to do so yet as I never got the required confirmation mail (and, so far, no answer from their info/support) but I'll give it a Little while (most likely a couple of hours, knowing myself an my infamous lack of patience) and start it somewhere else if nothing more happens... Restless! Whenever I get any kind of idea or Project into my mind I want to do it NOW. Immediately.

Today, Ive decided to defy my cold and go to uni at lest for a short visit, maybe lunch. I want to see how it works for me to be around people (noticed it's more difficult to really tell your condition when home alone) so I can decide whether or not to attend an exhibition opening tonight. Hope to attend, as it would obviously be fun but also a much welcome change.

on aging parent(s)

Had a scary moment with my 75 year-old mother this Monday. Paid her a visit (after having been away fr two days) and just noticed something was wrong. She seemed very nervous and confused, and complained about this and about feeling "lost". She kept asking about small things in her home, which all seemed strange to her - groceries she had bought, some small objects on the table, books she had got from the library, the damp clothes hung up to dry... She couldn't recall any of them and asked me, over and over again, "have you brought those? "Did you wash here?" "Can you tell me what that even is?" No matter how many times I answered the same questions, she was not able to remember the answer. She couldn't remember what she had done the past couple of days, where she had been or even whether she had eaten the same day or not. This was both shocking and scary, as she had never suffered anything like this before, nor had problems with her memory.

This state, however, passed the same evening and she saw a doctor the following morning. His conclusion after many questions and tests (I had to answer some of the questions, as she had almost no recollections of the night before) was transient global amnesia, which is not uncommon among elderly women, and that there should be no imminent danger of any kind. She will go through numerous tests next week, though, and we both hope and fear learning something more then.I still fear that this will turn out to be a symptom of something worse.

I was still shaky after all of this was over (and after a sleepless night), but trying to feel relief now. Not quite able to convince myself, though. Her aging scares me, or rather the risks that entail aging. I guess it's one of the things you will never grow used to. And how could you, as it's a changing progress itself?

I must remember to cherish the good times. I'll log out now and pay her a visit.

I survived Summer School

I survived Summer School! Had a great course experience again this year, but I can't remember having ever before struggled this much to recover... I returned home early last Sunday (the course having ended on Friday) and it took until the end of this week before I started to feel "normal" again. Those first couple of days back at work were one.hell.of.a.mess... Or, rather, I was. And my first karate session back home, on Thursday, was ridiculously heavy. Still, I once again came home from Britain with lots of inspiration and good points to work on, and feel very motivated about practice overall. So it was all very much worth the pain. Like I knew it would be.

Last Friday I did my last day of work at the museum. Double feelings. It will be good to have more time over for my studies, but at the same time I worry about my (closest) future - I still haven't found any job for this fall... And I defiantly refuse to go back to paper delivery... So that's one more thing on my list of things to fix. This list is always long this time of the year, with the new term starting. Oh well, back to reality it is, then.

One of those days (or nights)

Yesterday was a heavy day. It had started the night before, a thing I heard about made me sad (no major issue, I have no idea why I reacted so strongly) and I went to bed in a bad mood. I woke up crying at 3.30 am, and couldn't get back to sleep until after 5pm. So the next morning I was not only still sad, but very tired. I didn't get too much done at work and, as the sadness passed, still felt empty inside for the rest of the day.

In the evening, I went jogging with some friends from my sports club, which seemed to kick the last pieces of miserable feelings out of my system. Amazing what physical exercise can do!

The thing is, these things don't happen too often, but still really scare me when they do. The emotional overreactions and, as in this case, the sleeplessness, are both thing that I recognize from my earlier depressions - which is exactly why these reactions scare me. I don't want to have anything like my last depression ever again. Every time this happens there's the fear of it not passing this time... Once again, I'm, happy it did. Relieved.

Today I have my weekly day off. And two weeks my vacation. I'll be careful not to pack any kind of work - a real challenge every year.

Sunshine is my new drug

It looks like the belated and longed for spring might finally be here after all. I seem to have more energy than I've had in a long time. Yesterday I went for my longest jog yet this year. Even though I waited until the evening, the weather was almost too hot. Still felt great afterwards, though (in spite of a slight dehydration)! I'm not sure whether I've written this before or not, but I've been surprised this spring of how little my allergies have bothered me when exercising! I still have no idea as to why, but so far I have not suffered one single allergy attack while, nor after, running. I have not done anything different that I can think of, I even exercised less last winter than I'd done the past couple of years, and I haven't changed my medicine (I still go for your average anti-histamines) or anything, but for some reason my health has just been better this spring than "ever" before! Which also means that it's so much easier for me to enjoy running - lovely! Strange, but lovely!

(Oh, I see now that I commented on this a couple of posts ago.)

One more thing that's going well at he moment is my artwork. Suddenly, missing pieces just appeared! Now I just wish I had more time to put on it. I still have deadlines to catch at uni, so I don't quite have the courage to really throw myself into my art just yet. I should probably also look into getting some new canvases, rather than just picking around on my old, un- or half finished ones... Not that I wouldn't love to finish them of course, I'm just starting to realise that it might never happen.And it would be interesting to try out some of the new ideas on fresh surfaces, to really start from scratch for once.

Have to go now (dinner at mum's). Will seriously try to keep up here on the blog. The longer it takes, the harder it is to write...

update about this and that

I know I haven't been posting in a very long time.  Sometimes it just doesn't happen. I have tried, several times even.

First of all, I thought I might mention that the whole moving business has gone fairly well after all.  Some things were left at the old address, but we've been able to replace most of them. And her flat is starting to look more and more like a home. I've also tried to help her get to know Turku and find her way here. This has been fun for me too, and a much welcomed change from old routines.

I spent the first weekend this month in Vaasa, attending a karate weekend course. This was my first higher grade course in Finland (it was for black belts only) and it was a great experience! Interesting methods, lots of feedback from the higher grades, experienced practice partners and all in all many good points to try and remember... Unfortunately been suffering a flu ever since, so I haven't been able to repeat it all, however much I've wanted it...Very frustrating!

This upcoming weekend I'll be attending my first Christmas party of this year, in the company of the rest of my karate club. I haven't taken even the smallest part of planning it this year, and feel quite happy with that choice. At least I know that the event will be our by now traditional combo of training and partying.

The following weekend I'm joining my mother for what should be our last trip up north, to her old house, for some final emptying and cleaning. There is still an amazing amount of stuff left up there...I'm not too eager to do this, but it obviously has to be done at some point. I also need to start throwing out some of my own "collections" soon, as my 22 m2 flat is not large enough to hold both everything I own now and all of those things I used to own but at some point chose to start "temporarily" store at my mother's house... and then haven't missed for ten years or so. It's already close to impossible to keep my flat clean due to all of the stuff in there, and there are still things in Jakobstad that I need to move down here. A LOT will be thrown away, I think.

And, finally, I'm again taking baby steps closer to earning a degree! I think that's it for today. I'll try and return to updating normally again now.

Nonsense weekend

I had last weekend off again, but wasted most of the time and got very little done. The original plan (and the reason for my Saturday off) had been to attend short karate course, but after my return to work last week my knee started to bother me so much again that I decided against the course. So instead I had one more free weekend to use for whatever I wanted. What I did? Well, it included two days of concerts (Thursday and Saturday), one bottle of a new favorite red wine (both cheap and ecologic!), some catching up with an old friend (former room-mate actually, from the small commune I lived in before the separation) and some drawing. I'm trying graphite again, and it's going surprisingly well. I was especially surprised to find a slightly more expressive style, compared to my more recent drawing... Interesting.

So all in all a good weekend, even though I had been more happy if I had also got something (anything!) sensible done. Something like finishing essays, cleaning my flat, looking for that lost, longer version of my thesis... I seriously hardly even took out the trash. Or then maybe I just need to learn to relax and enjoy things without guilt tripping...

Tomorrow I'm going to try working again and hope for the best. If my knee can't take it I'll simply have to contact my doctor again and see what to do about it. But still hoping I won't have to do that.

weekend update

I've now enjoyed one more weekend off, but plan to try and return to work this week, depending on how it feels tomorrow. My knee has been much better these last couple of days, but I'll still have to be careful - I don't want to make anything (much) worse before next weekend, when I plan to carefully attend a two-day course in Kuusankoski.

I've done some drawing this weekend, a couple of small self portraits and an experiment with red wine... I had a bottle of cheap red wine that didn't taste too good, so I decided to see what it would look like as "paint". Just did some shading on a drawing, but I think I'll have to try that again, the wine sometimes reacted quite unexpectedly with/on the paper... But I'll have to return to that later.

Tonight I'll try training again, and see what works. We're changing the program on the lower grade side (that I teach), so next week on we'll be doing kicks for a while. Will be fun, as long as I can do it myself too!

Post- Poland update

The weekend in Poland, both the training and the socials, was quite amazing! And as guests, we were spoiled rotten! It was my first time in the country, and I liked it so much! I now have several new friends, and I've learned much more than I expected. The course itself could in a way be compared to this year's summer school - the program was very basic, and we did the same exercises for quite a while, but instead went through everything very thoroughly. It seems all participants were happy with the course, or if someone isn't, I haven't been told.

The flight back to Helsinki was cancelled, due to technical problems, so we had to stay one night extra in Warsaw, but once we got over the initial irritation this was fine, too. Got one night at a nice hotel just next to the airport and a voucher covering for dinner and breakfast. We went out on town in the evening, to meet up with some other late travelers, and had a beer or five, and lots of fun! And then in the morning a nice, long sleep-in followed by a hot bath and as much hotel breakfast as I could get away with.

One bad thing that came with the course was a damaged knee. I seem to have some kid of an inflammation in my right knee, not sure of the cause but quite possibly it's in the muscle hold in front of the knee. I went to see a doctor soon as I returned home, she wasn't sure of the cause but prescribed me painkillers and sick leave from work. I've been on ibuprofen for 4 days now, also using an anti-inflammatory gel on the knee. So far there's been no major change, just feels slightly better than when it started (in the car, leaving the last session). For this reason, I haven't been training very hard myself this week, not karate and definitely no running, but I've still instructed the beginner's group (twice this week). I miss training properly, and can't wait to go running again! And I'm walking so slow now... The only good part of this is that I'm on sick leave from my work - no way of running up and down stairs with a fucked-up knee. Still have to see what to do about my mother's moving... I hope this will pass soon so that everything can go back to normal!

Out of shape

I had the worst morning jog today. I felt tired to begin with, it took me a full hour to even get myself out the door, and when I finally did, I never found that "flow" I've grown so used to enjoying during my jogs. My right ear started hurting before I had even started running, and after having finished 1 1/2 heavy laps (instead of the usual three) with my muscles still tense,  my throat was hurting like it hasn't since I quit smoking some three years ago... So I'm suspecting the flu... I know more than one person who has had it recently. I've also been very tired today, all day. I found myself dozing off several times during a lecture this afternoon, even though I found it interesting. Hope this will pass quickly, I so don't have the time right now! (But, then, when do you?)

Like a kid before Christmas

So exited. Just one more day, and then it's on. Summer School! Same feeling as last year: Can't believe it's finally happening! After having waited for this long! At this point, I am so hyped that  I'm getting absolutely nothing done, but doing so in the pace of a Duracell bunny... There's so much left to do tomorrow... I'll confess I'm a little nervous about the actual trip there, as I'll be traveling on my own this time. As in, there will be three other guys from Finland, we just haven't syncronised our trips. On the other hand, I'm always a nervous traveler. I worry about getting lost, or leaving something important behind (memo to self : passport!).. Or oversleeping - the bus to Helsinki airport leaves at 03 in the morning. In reality, these things rarely happen.

Found no less than two people to feed miss Cat while I'm away (they will share the task) but still have to clean my flat so I can let them in... This was so much easier back when I had flatmates.

I'm still on sticking to the higher protein intake (that I mentioned in my last post), and it seems to be working for me. I'm guessing my body has grown more used to it already, as the before-mentioned tiredness is gone.Or then it's just me being hyper.

That's it. Have to go out for a run now, hopefully it will calm me down.

On training and dieting

My latest "mania" when it comes to training is proteins. The fact that you need to eat more protein if you train actively is nothing new to me, but lately I've started to actually keep track of my protein intake. I don't count calories, just how many grams of protein I eat every day. I don't eat any less than before, and want to point out that this is not about weight loss - I don't need to lose weight (rather the opposite!). On the other hand, even following your eating habits tends to make you change how you eat, and so I have obviously been loading in more protein than before. I've been doing this for a week now, and found it quite interesting. Also, I've learned new things too, one of the nicest being the probably simplest recipe for protein/banana pancakes to eat after training! But now, after a week of it, I feel a bit weak - not sure whether it's the diet or something else. Maybe it's just a question of getting used to it.

Last night, when I went out for my regular jog in the park, I had a quite unpleasant experience. The jogging itself felt good, but after only 1 1/2 laps in the trails, I encountered this... strange..? guy at the bars. First he just paced the bars while looking at me - never starting to train on them - and then just hung himself from the lower one, rocking back and forth like a money while staring straight at me (I was running past). This might all sound like me being paranoid, but I just got seriously bad vibes from him. I jogged past, trying to just relax and not "do" anything or pretend to react, and when I had past him with about 10 metres,... ...the lights went off. This was when I got scared. At that point I just tried to mantra "IamablackbeltIamablackbeltIamablackbelt..." and then left the trail at the first chance to do that. Jogged home under the streetlights instead. What I don't get is: Why turn off the lights in the at 22.30 in the evening? This is when it's just got dark enough for them to actually be needed. The streetlights were obviously still on. Why not the lights in the park, too? Are you not supposed to jog that late? Or is it to keep people out of the park at nighttime? If it is to save energy, couldn't one hour oor so be saved in the early evening instead, by turning them on later?

Also, I do realise that this guy was probably no real danger, but it still felt very uncomfortable. And guys: If you feel like flirting, the jogging trails by nighttime might not be your greatest pick of a place for it...

Update on training

I've found my way back to karate practice again - or at least attended two sessions in a row. It's been quite hard for me to follow this summer's practice schedule, as the sessions are so early, especially the Wednesday tends to clash with my work hours. But right now we are having some difficulties with cancelled sessions, meaning we have instead practised in the park on times suitable for as many as possible - ironically making it easier for yours truly to attend. From now on, the Wednesday sessions will probably be easier to attend too, as I'm, starting tomorrow, no longer doing the double round.

Doing your karate training outdoors does include some small challenges, like having to adjust to weather changes or training on uneven ground instead of a good hardwood floor. But this is where you really get some use for those hard foot soles earned from seven years of karate practice.

This summer I've also started to work out at home, with small weights. I can't say too much about the progress yet, but I'm sure its good for me. I hope it will work as a good balance to my running on the side of karate training. In this, I'm focusing mostly on torso, especially upper back muscles, but also arms. I try do some kind of training or exercise every day (and yes, I count my job as exercise, too),  except for the occasional Sunday.

On excercise, dog owners and essay production

This morning I finally went out running again (or er... jogging.) after a break of... months..? This has been the longest break I've had since I first started running, so I was a bit worried about my shape, but it went well and I enjoyed it so much! I had started to notice my own bad shape on karate practice, where I haven't been able to train on the (physical) level I had grown used to. The one thing that bothered me was - again - certain dog owners... There are obviously still people who refuse to accept that it's against Finnish law to bring your unleashed dog to the jogging trails. If you want to train with your unleashed dog, please stick a fenced dog park. There are several in most towns. Don't believe me? Google it.

Now at uni, trying to finish a package of four ethnological essays. Looks like I'll be spending the rest of the night here. I find what I'm working on right now very interesting, I just wish there were more hour in a day so I wouldn't always have to have to feel I'm compromising the result to finish on time. Or, now that I think about it, that is quite possibly just exactly how I would still feel, no matter how much time I'd have.

Listening to: Von Herzen Brothers, Kings of Leon, Megadeth

post-weekend and also post-course update

The course turned out great! We had loads of fun, got both critique, kudos and inspiration, and learned so much! And I got my black belt! So happy!

Unfortunately, I also either caught a flu or then it was the exhaustion that came with the hard practice turning the slight chill I had to a full-blown flu. Whatever it is, I'm not feeling too fresh right now. I'm off my instructing duties for the time being (hoping to be back in shape soon!) but still have to finish the corrections to my thesis - something I should have done by now.

Instead, I've spent today procrastinating by uploading pictures again... One album with pictures from the course is now on facebook, but I failed at creating one for/on google+. I don't know why, but the whole thing just cut off and disappeared, and this happened three times! If I finally manage to get the album done, I will post a link to it here on the blog. I don't want to post the pictures here, simply because they are so many! (And because I can't pick just a couple of them)

On blogging and longing for a vacation

At uni again, and actually working (or... umm...  was doing that until now.) I am taking some quite interesting courses right now, which makes it easier for me to put down the effort. One of them (and this might be one of the most interesting courses I've taken in a long time) is Blogriot versus feminism, just started, where we look at many of the phenomenons around blogging - who does it, to whom, self imaging etc. It's been fun to try analyze other peoples blogs, and very inspiring, but at the same time it makes me realise how... well, boring my own blog can be. I know that this blog doesn't follow any kind of theme, for example. But I'm still holding on to the idea of keeping this one as the "free/unbound" blog, where I can just allow things to appear, grow or die without trying to shape it too much. I do plan to post more pictures, though. Just haven't  allowed myself the time. (And no, I dont own an iphone.) I have probably mentioned my other blog over at tumblr? OK, I know I have. It would in a way have more "potential", if I could just get it out and start updating regularly. I still have no clue at all why I don't. I had actually planned to do so tonight, but now that I've got this far I'm already to tired. Basically nodding off in my chair. Will be heading home soon.

 I think my biggest overall problem at the moment is how tired I've been recently. And with that I mean constantly tired. I wonder if a weekend off again would do me good, or if I should focus more on my eating habits..? Been lots of tea and sweets lately.

And it  looks like I might have an extra weekend off very soon. I asked my job for a free weekend as soon as I heard about the upcoming Estonian course, but the chances of me actually attending are very, very slim. Normally it would bother me to know I'm "wasting" a  weekend off (without having a program or other "good" excuse) but I'm growing more and more fond of the thought even as I write this.

Oh, and the beginners course started well! I think there were about ten new people on the first session, and I'm very happy with that. There might also still be some people showing up later. Unfortunately I missed the second session (I was late, no better reason) but will be all the more excited to see what things look like next Tuesday.

Listening to: Bob Dylan

Weekend update

Lots of things going on right now! Mostly good things, luckily. This weekend I've had a good old friend visit Turku - one thing I wish would happen more often! The visit included a tasty homemade dinner, whiskey tasting, a good beer or five and photography. And for next weekend I can look forward to a karate course (with Sensei!) in Vasa, and the week after that I will have another friend from home visiting me. Of course there's also the stress that comes with every start of a new season. I've been trying to get my university studies to at least look like they are following some kind of plan (and failing at this), and it's also the time of year for advertising our karate club. And I love being involved in that, even though I know there are other things I should be focusing on right now.

I still don't know what was/is wrong with my stomach, as I haven't been able to get in touch with the lab. It's much better but not good. Looks like I 'll have to visit the hospital again. Hope it's nothing too serious. The foot still bothers me a bit too, the pain comes and goes.

The following couple of days will probably include more than a little photography, as the friendly visit included a very nice used compact camera. Loving it so far!

a post mentioning cryptonite

It's been a rough week. Spent most of it sick at home, and the end of it trying to finish what I should have done during the week... Guess I must have been exhausted after the Summer school week. Just as I was going to get my foot checked by a doctor ( I had hurt it during the last session at Summer school, thanks to a badly timed kick), I fell ill with a stomach flu/ food poisoning on top of that... First time I've had anything like that since I was a kid, I'm used to my stomach being the one part of me that always works. Someone must have given me cryptonite.

I should be fine now. And this helped me cope with the post-Summerschool gloominess - I was simply too broken to be bothered by anything.Will be getting the test results next week. They couldn't find anything wrong with the foot, but gave me a support bandage. Hope it gets better soon, I miss jogging and have another course coming up soon...

Summer School was absolutely awesome this year! I got much more out of practising this year and liked the changes they had done to/on the instructing side, this way having more different people involved in instructing. Also, I was ridiculously happy about the focus on kicks this year! Weeee! And I managed to keep writing my course journal all thru the week, which was more than I had hoped for.

Hoping not to brake myself next week. So much to do after all of this.

Now listening to: Sheryl Crow.

on exercise

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a hyperactive. It's like my brain worked by dynamo, some dayss it's just impossible to sit still and focus for more than the shortest moments. For a ewhile now, I've been running to soothe this, but recently I've been looking for alternatives to running, because however much I enjoy it (not to mention the amazing feeling afterwards) I've come to realise that it takes too much energy. Or , to put it like this: I also need something less intensive, something that burns fewer calories, as I now (and I know this might sound like a luxury problem to some) seem to burn too much, and I'm not interested in loosing weight. I have no plans to quit running (I love it too much!) but I'm looking intosimple yoga- and/or fitness exercices to do at home - less calory-burning and also less time-consuming.

Last night I did some repetitions of a simple yoga exercise (don't remember the name of it) that we've sometimes done during karate warmups, and I felt it worked quite well for me. Got my body a bit warmer, my mind calmer and also opened up my stiff back nicely. And I did manage to return to work shortly after, and got things done. So I'd count that as a small success!

I'll definitely be trying more of something similar. And to just do a couple of exercises doesn't take too much time, either.

update on everyday things

I'm finally seeing some results of my studying, in grades as well as credits. This really helps keep you motivated!

I'm running again, but not without my antihistamines. In recent years I've been wondering whether or not I have a pollen allergy, but well... at least now I know that I do. The amount of birch pollen is higher this year than it's been in ten years, and my nose and eyes are runny even when I'm taking it easy. I should probably have eaten my antihistamines earlier springs too (even with the " only traces of allergy" I had before) as I now noticed a very clear difference in both results and overall feeling while running. So I might actually be in much better shape than I thought, which is fun of course, but makes you feel just slightly retarded at the same time.

I'm still not back to a good (human) daily rhytm after my "inspired period". Still staying up late only to oversleep most mornings. I would love to live in a world adjusted to the rhytm of waking up at 11 in the  morning, having lunch after three in the afternoon, going out jogging in the late evening and then staying up until three in the morning. But you're obviously not supposed to do that, at least if you want to be an active part in society...